This topic has been on my mind for years but it wasn’t until reading Fabiola Lara’s comic on her views of being branded as a Latine Artist that I felt inspired to share some of my own weird feelings of identity.
I have been working as a professional artist for eight years now (both in animation and illustration) and I absolutely love my job. I feel grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way, and especially for the chance to illustrate many important South-Asian and/or Muslim stories.
However.
What do you do when it feels like the only jobs you get are ones of South-Asian and/or Muslim stories?
Now don’t get me wrong, it is so amazing that we are seeing an incredible push for more diverse stories. It’s a huge contrast to the media of my youth where the default was the Straight Cis White Man™ and it is excellent that both marginalized creators are getting the chance to tell their stories, but also that viewers can see themselves represented in the media they consume as well.
It’s also super important that marginalized creators are the ones to work on these projects centered on their identity so that it remains authentic. In fact, we had a whole movement in publishing centered on this called #OwnVoices! (That may or may not have backfired)
However.
Every time I get an inquiry for a new project, I get a rush of excitement until I see that it is yet another story about loving mangoes, being proud of your skin color, or dealing with prejudice.
There have been times when I will get an inquiry to design on a tv show that is totally ‘neutral’ and will seem super fun and adventurous and definitely outside my usual box! But then… cut to finding out that they want me to design their one brown character. Sigh.
I know I must sound like an entitled brat.
Oh my god, how is she complaining about getting hired for projects?
I find myself thinking that too, but I can’t help feeling bad! Because I get that nagging thought that I am only getting hired because of what I look like and where I am from. I worry that my art style, skill, and unique voice aren’t what is enticing these companies, but the fact that they can check off a box.
Sometimes I’ll get an inquiry of a story focused heavily on a different country in South Asia, or centered around Hinduism, where I know that I would be out of my depths since I don’t have any expertise on the topic. And then I wonder if the inquirer knows that there are huge differences between the various countries in the Indian Subcontinent or if they think that we are interchangeable.
The South Asian/Muslim art community is a small one. Oftentimes, a project one of us rejects gets passed to another like a game of hot potato. We’ve all worked with the same pool of authors at one time or another.
I worry about being replaceable.
It’s a very specific kind of imposter syndrome. It’s like… being a nepo baby. But for marginalized identities. Where everyone thinks that because of who you are, your job was handed to you on a silver platter and you didn’t have to work for it. It doesn’t matter if you have the skills for the job, your identity is all that matters. What is that called?
Oh right. The diversity hire.
I feel like I’m going to be caught any second. That people will realize that I only got to where I am because of me taking advantage of my identity.
An identity that I struggle with because a lot of the time I feel like I haven’t earned it because I’m not Pakistani-enough, or the perfect Muslim. I don’t have a strong grasp of Urdu, I don’t know about my country’s history, politics or culture on a deep level. Am I really even the right person for the job? I am just using my culture when it’s convenient?
Because really, that is what I did. In an era where inclusive books are all the rage, I started my illustration journey at the perfect time (when I was one of only a handful of South Asian illustrators) to take advantage of my culture and make strides in my career. I have a strong feeling that if I entered the industry ten years prior, I wouldn’t have nearly the same growth as I did now.
But the flip side is that marginalized creators often get left behind so shouldn’t we be taking advantage of any opportunity if it means getting a foot in the door?
I don’t know.
I took on some offers, rejected a lot more, because my big fear was being typecast as the South-Asian artist.
See, I wanted to work on comedic books. I think that I am a very funny person, but I just wasn’t given the chance to showcase this side of me. And since your portfolio is an indicator of your abilities, every time I accepted a 'diverse’ project, it just felt like I was being further pushed into this Identity box since these works were all I had to show and offer. It becomes a cycle, and I didn’t want to be known as the Pakistani Muslim artist, when there is so much more to me than that.
I’ve noticed that white creators don’t really have this responsibility to work on these Big Message Stories and have the freedom to draw crayons and dragons, while marginalized creators are stuck with heavy topics. There’s something to be said about asking BIPOC creators to repeatedly work on heavy projects and expecting them to use their trauma to create Real Authentic stories.
But this laser-like focus on the “right” books sends a clear message to Black authors, Black readers, and Black people as a whole: your stories aren’t worth much if you don’t bleed on the page for us. Not only does this take Black narratives hostage, and pigeonhole them into being trauma porn, it exposes the intended audience for those stories to tangible harm. Harm that has been documented and discussed extensively.
The Role Publishing Plays in the Commodification of Black Pain - L.L. McKinney
I’m still figuring this out. But I know that I have to make my own opportunities as well. Since no one was approaching me for comedic titles, I decided to write my own. This book is coming out next Spring and I hope you enjoy it. It might not be a big important statement on society, or aim to solve the worlds problems.
It’s just a goofy little story. And yet somehow, it’s more me than all the identity books I’ve done so far. Isn’t that funny?
I completely agree with you on this! My busiest times for freelance is during Black History and it’s mostly quiet for the rest of the year which is super depressing. I’d love to work on pieces centered around different subjects outside of being black but I never get hired for them! Thanks so much for talking about this.
I absolutely agree with all the things you said here. I had the same concerns when the projects I got only focused on Korean culture and heritage. There are so many ideas other than the Korean-ness I want to explore and express through art. And every artist has their own unique sensibilities they can deliver best, and of course, the skills and styles. Not that I am opposed to diverse voices, but it feels frustrating that the "authenticity" the publishers are looking for only comes from the racial background of non-white artists.
I'm excited to read your new book that you felt more yourself! :)