"you're being too hard on yourself"

adhd + perfectionism

When I did my solo Gallery Nucleus paintings last year (18 paintings from July to September) I learned that you can improve your skills a whole lot if you make a bunch of work in a short time frame. It’s like speed-running, but for art.

I was so proud of the huge strides I made with my previously non-existent traditional painting skills and I was seemingly entering a new phase in my creative career.

In the middle of this, I had to prepare for Lightbox Expo, and also had my second post-Covid wedding in September, which I had been preparing for all summer. Also, we bought a house. 🧿

It was a hectic time, to say the least.

But look how cute we look!

After the wedding, it was full steam ahead on my second author/illustrator book, which I needed to catch up on since I was super behind schedule. From September to January, I worked non-stop (into the holidays), and again felt like I was making incredible strides with my work since this was going to be my first traditionally illustrated picturebook. I am so excited to share this book with you guys (releasing in Spring 2024!) and can’t wait to do a cover reveal later this year.

As soon as I submitted my finals, I was onto sketches for my next book and the manuscript for another; no time for a break. While I loved working on these projects, I was itching to get back to my personal painting again. I had some ideas for some large format pieces for my new home, and had even bought some new oil pastels and inks that I wanted to play around with. I also wanted to explore some of my future book and potential show pitches. I hadn’t had a break since last February, and really needed it.

Right after that submission at the end of January, while waiting for feedback from the publisher, I finally had my downtime.

And I didn’t draw a single thing.

Every night before bed I would think to myself, okay TOMORROW I am going to paint. But in the morning, somehow I would dawdle to my desk three hours late and I would spend the day answering emails, doing my taxes, making procrastination tiktoks or scrolling on my phone until nighttime, and the whole thing repeated itself the next day.

This went on for two months.

My days were filled with catching up on all the admin work I had set aside for the past few months, which took priority over my personal projects. But every time I thought I had checked everything off my list for the day, I would still be daunted by my endlessly long list of tasks and goals.

And whenever I would sit down to draw, there was… nothing. No thoughts, head empty. Then within a few seconds, I’d get distracted by my phone, or find something else to do. And promise that tomorrow I would make some actual art.

Every night, I would get so frustrated by myself. My catchphrase to my husband became ‘I did nothing today’ when he’d ask how my day was. He’d remind me that I actually did a lot, but I’d shrug it off and say it wasn’t anything important. Just emails, admin, errands, and maybe a Tiktok.

Recently I was editing a long overdue youtube video (a vlog of footage from five months ago) about my process in painting my gallery pieces. Watching the video, I actually became nostalgic, and even a bit shocked. I couldn’t believe that past-me was able to paint so many paintings in a short time, even making two paintings in a day. Meanwhile, current-me hadn’t picked up a paintbrush for personal work since then.

At the end of March, I knew that my downtime was coming to a close. I had two book projects about to start back up very soon. I felt awful that I had wasted all my break time; time that I had been wistfully looking forward to when I was working all of last year and making all sorts of goals and plans for. Worse, I felt like I was losing the painting spark. Instead of being inspired by looking at my art supplies, I was feeling a bit of dread. Coming up with a concept, mixing paint, actually painting… it felt so daunting.

So last month, I decided to take part in #pleinairpril, a challenge where you create a plein air painting every day for April. I haven’t (successfully) taken part in an art challenge since Inktober 2016, but I saw a huge amount of improvement then too, and hoped to recreate the magic of my gallery show this month.

Maybe the reason I wasn’t working on my personal projects was because they were self-guided. I didn’t have a deadline to worry about, a contract hanging over my head, and art director to impress.

I had a similar issue come up with my friend Kat Tsai’s Color and Light course. I had signed up for the six week program, which included a live weekly zoom lesson and assignments between January and February. I selected the self-guided option.

I didn’t attend a single lesson. Or complete any work. How embarrassing.

I thankfully had the option to download all the video files, so I could actually start the course one day. Though let’s see if that ever happens.

If I set up a strict challenge of sorts, like PleinAirpril, maybe I could get some painting done. Hopefully, this could kickstart my creative brain again.

However, this monthly challenge also coincided with Ramadan, and fasting-brain meant that I’d be creatively and mentally drained. I purposely made sure my work calendar was completely cleared (an important lesson learned from last year) so that I could focus fully on Ramadan and not be stressed out with the lack of creative juices.

For this reason, I also gave myself some leeway for PleinAirpril. Instead of one plein air painting per day, I would aim for FOUR photo studies by the end of the month. The goal was just for me to get into the habit of painting again and just make it as easy as possible.

These were the paintings I made:

I only made three paintings, not four. My goal was to try to get the color as close as possible to the photos, so I could really improve my paint mixing skills and my eye for color (both which I consider my weakness). They weren’t really successful plein air paintings nor photostudies; I took a lot of liberties with the color.

I actually posted these paintings without the photo reference attached, so people wouldn’t compare the two and realize just how badly I had done.

My husband really liked this piece, and I whined about me not getting the color right, and that I should’ve done this and that.

And he looks at me and says,

“You always do this. You’re being too hard on yourself.”

I had a few realizations:

1) ADHD + Perfectionism

I never thought I was a perfectionist. I’m definitely a cut-once-measure-never kind of person, who has never been interested in the nitty gritty details. My definition of ‘clean’ is very different from other people's. If I fold a piece of paper in half it’s never going to line up precisely, because who cares?

But I’ve been finding out a lot of things about myself, since I learned about my ADHD diagnosis last year. Things that I always thought were just Good Ol’ Anoosha Quirks™ that I had to try hard overcome, like being flakey or forgetful, instead of things that I literally couldn’t control and shouldn’t feel bad for.

@The_mini_adhd_coach

Even though they might seem like opposing traits, Perfectionism can stem from ADHD. As said wonderfully by the Mini ADHD coach

…One problem is that many people with ADHD tend to pressure themselves to achieve perfectionism and try to do things that are way beyond their capabilities. This is the vicious cycle we put ourselves into to keep up with others or to prove that we are not less of a person just because we have ADHD. 

I know I sometimes (okay, maybe all the time) give myself unreasonable goals. I find myself comparing myself to the rare instances where I turn into Super-Anoosha, hyper-fixate on my work and manage to get everything done.

But that's not possible all the time, especially since the focus comes and goes. And there’s no such thing as a perfect person.

2) I Am Doing Enough, Actually

At the end of the day, when I lament over the fact that I did nothing all day, my husband reminds me that I actually did a lot.

I started a daily task list of EVERY SINGLE THING I needed to do, and broke it down as much as possible; another ADHD tip people often recommend. This included things like listing out every email I had to respond to. Packing up my mail, and printing my shipping label as well as going to the post office to mail it, as separate items. Clipping my nails. I wrote down everything.

Before bed, I would see that long list of checked boxes and realize I actually did more than I realized and feel a sense of accomplishment. Maybe I didn’t achieve all the major goals I wanted to get done or that page completed, but I could never call this a wasted day.

3) Burnout

It took me a while to realize I was burnt out. I kept denying it, thinking this was just procrastination or a lack of focus and inspiration.

But when I think back to the last few months, from July until January, I really was pushing myself hard. Back-to-back projects, conventions, wedding prep, moving into a new house, getting sick multiple times with that awful 2022 winter bug everyone kept getting…

It’s no wonder that when I finally got a break, I completely crashed. I needed a break and time to reset, and it’s fine that it lasted three+ months. It’s a shame that I could’ve used this time to work on my personal projects, but that’s not what I needed at the time. I needed chips and video games and that’s ok!!!

I think I’m finally emerging out of my burnout now, and getting excited to work on my books again. All it took was rest and time until I started to get that itch to reach for my art supplies again. I’m trying to be a bit more realistic with my goals now, and definitely not bite off more than I can chew.

This newsletter is kind of all over the place and I don’t think I have a solid conclusion except to say that we should all be kinder to ourselves.

Miscellaneous Musings

✸ My favourite books of all time are the Realm of the Elderling series by Robin Hobb (specifically the Liveship Traders trilogy), which I read seven years ago but never got the chance to finish. I decided to reread them and was so relieved that they held up and are still my absolute favorites. I will be sad when I finish this series, but would love any recommendations for similar fantasy authors with a real talent for character studies.

✸ Guys GO WATCH Polite Society!!!! It was an utterly amazing action comedy where for the first time, I actually saw myself represented in a movie. I feel so inspired to create stories based on my own family now. :)

✸ Rani’s Remarkable Day comes out on May 30. Pre-order it now!

✸ On this month’s Novelty Earring Watch, we have these stunning flower vase earrings from thisilk. I am extremely tempted.